The Indian Society Needs To Understand About Marriages

Marriage – the dreaded word that haunts almost all of us the moment we’re out of college. If you don’t want to get married, there’s a problem. If you want to get married to a person of your own choice, that’s a problem too. Why is it that marriage is such a pain in India? Yes, we agree that it is a sacred bond between two people and is probably one of the biggest decisions you’ll take in your life, but there’s a lot the Indian society still needs to know about dealing with marriages. Here are 12 things the society and our parents need to understand .
1. First things first, it’s perfectly okay to never get married. No, we’re not saying we’re against marriages. It’s a matter of personal preference – just like believing in God or choosing to be an atheist. Some people believe in the institution of marriage, some don’t. It’s as simple as that. Not wanting to get married is not abnormal or unnatural.

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2. In India, you don’t just marry your partner, you marry their whole family. Sometimes, Indian families over-involve themselves and end up ruining their children’s marriages. Our parents and relatives need to understand that it is impossible that they will be pleased by every decision the married couples takes. They need to know that they may not get along well with their child’s in-laws and that is perfectly fine, because what matters the most is that the couple is happy with each other. We need to stop looking for perfect families, and try to find ideal partners instead.

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3. Domestic violence, abuse and infidelity are not the only reasons why marriages break. Not every fight leaves a visible scar. There are many more things that can go wrong between a married couple that only the rest of the world can’t see.  Sometimes, two people realize they’re just not compatible. Sometimes, people fall out of love. Sometimes, they realize they’re both great people, just not right for each other. Sometimes, they just don’t understand each other. But sadly, Indian parents don’t consider these reasons good enough for someone to walk out of a marriage. And that needs to change. We need to reinvent the definition of a successful marriage.

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4. Marriage is not the ultimate solution to every problem. If you think your son or daughter is getting out of hand, getting them married is not going to reform their lives. It’s in fact a very bad decision. By getting them married when they’re really not ready, you’re ruining their partners’ lives too. If you want to ‘tame’ your son/daughter or make them responsible in life. Getting them married is not how you do it.

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5. We need to stop believing that a person from our own caste, religion or region is going to be the best choice as a partner. We have as many examples of horrible spouses from arranged marriages as we know of cross cultural marriages falling apart. It just goes on to prove that no culture or religion guarantees good husbands and wives. We need to stop judging people on their backgrounds and assess them on who they are as people.

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6. There’s no ‘perfect time’ to get married. If only this society could be a little less obsessed with their kids getting married ‘before turning 30’, we might just be able to follow our dreams a lot more fearlessly and do something worthwhile with our lives. Our parents need to stop making such a big deal out of getting us married ‘at the right time’. It will happen when it has to. There are much more important life goals than starting a family.

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7. It is perfectly okay if a marriage doesn’t work out. It’s no stigma. Some things are just not meant to be. People you once loved turn out to be someone you never imagined them as. And, there’s nothing anybody can do about it. It’s just one of the many failures you go through in life. We need to stop thinking that a failed marriage is the end of life.

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8. It is sad how Indian parents think their daughters’ dignity lies in holding on to their marriages, no matter how much she suffers in it. They’d rather have them ‘cooperate’ all their lives with someone who doesn’t love them, someone they don’t love back, than accept that it’s a failed marriage and let them move on with their lives. They’d do all they can to ‘save’ a marriage, even when they know it’s not worthy of being saved. Hanging on isn’t always the right decision. Sometimes, moving away is the best option. There are countless Indian men and women who stick to bad marriages all their lives, shutting themselves from the endless possibilities of a better future, solely because of parental pressure.

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9. Indian parents feel cheated and betrayed if their son or daughter decides to get divorced. The blame is conveniently put on the couple for making their families go through such a rough phase. But what they fail to acknowledge is that nobody ‘wants’ to get divorced. Nobody has it on their wish list. Parents need to understand that nobody is more worried about getting divorced than the person who is getting divorced. So, if he/she has taken such a drastic step, there must be a good reason for it. Parents need to stop acting as if their children have let them down, for nobody has it worse than the person getting divorced.

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10. Two people don’t need the married tag to stay together. It is funny how the moment you tell an Indian parent you’re dating someone; they suddenly want you married as soon as possible, because they fear it might not last long. But, how exactly does getting the couple married help? Someone who has to leave will leave anyway, and someone who is committed will stay so without any tag. There can be no surety of how long a relationship is going to last, not even a marriage. We need to stop looking at a marriage as the ultimate acceptance of a relationship.

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11. Everybody likes elaborate weddings, but is it really necessary? Now, if can you afford it, there’s nothing wrong with spending your wealth lavishly, but we’re talking about middle class families here. We hate how the society judges a family on the amount of money it spends on weddings. It just doesn’t make sense to go bankrupt trying to please ungrateful people who are going to be dissatisfied with your choice and efforts no matter what lengths you go to impress them. We need to stop making weddings such a competitive affair. It’s the union of two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, let’s let it remain that.

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12. A lot of times, parents oppose cross-cultural or inter-religion marriages though only under societal pressure, even if they like the prospective groom or bride themselves. They are ready to sacrifice their child’s happiness only for acceptance in the society. It is time they stop trying so hard to conform to conventions and please the people around them, so they can focus more on what matters the most – their child’s happiness.

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Dear parents, the society can never be pleased anyway. No matter what you do, they’re going to find a reason to disapprove of your actions. They are not going to be around in your moments of happiness and sadness, your children are. Think about what’s the best for your child, not for you, not for your social status and definitely not for the society.